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Shadow Jerusalem

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ack! [Mar. 13th, 2008|06:59 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
[mood |pissed offdoesntwork&playwellwithothers]

first time ive used this in forever only to find she who shall remain nameless was still in my friends listing! ah shit! delete! de-lete! DELETE!! dont need to know whats going on there. dont know dont care dont need to know... ostrich with my head in the sand, blissfully ignorant for once. slowly im regaining what was rightfully mine to begin with. my life. my soul. a shred of fucking dignity. im single once more and (hating?) (loving?) coping with it. my life has returned to a very simple one. but im right back where i started when i got here. havent been myself for nearly 2 years and now im having to rememeber it all. funny how the survival instincts from college are serving me well again now. i can lose myself at work for the most part... save for the fuckass customers and those select few of employees who really just piss me off... which works but leaves something more to be desired. quitting smoking cigarettes and pot in the next week is going to be REAL fucking fun... but necessary for budgetary reasons... ugh... its been one fucking battle after another with money it seems... like im constantly bleeding out of a cut artery into a white cloth that im trying to keep pristine... just not fucking happening... i was in a decent mood til i saw that journal thing... now i just need to scour that image out of my head with a pipe or go beat my head against the wall until i forget... *twitch twitch shudder grimace* people like her just fuel my fucking fire...

yeah people like that just do

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aloha [May. 14th, 2007|04:09 am]
Shadow Jerusalem
[mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[music |air conditioning]

well been in hawaii the past week on vacation. (yes yes fuck me for going someplace nice or i know how you hate me as the typical responses ive been receiving). been a fun week all things considered, was worried about money... got a fight picked with me by some people that i thought were friends but really turned out to be counterfeit motherfuckers. been a week of fear and loathing of the tropical and most pleasant kind. going 4 days without bud shot the old eyesight to shit but after a few trial and errors (to be read "ripoffs") the blind can see again. today we went snorkeling for our anniversary of 14 months at hanauma bay. just before we ended our day we saw a sea turtle munching on the reef. came back home for a gourmet cheeseburger in paradise meal then spent the evening picking up knick knacks and souveneirs of the trip. tomorrow we go to this really awesome import toy store called toys n joys.

EDIT: not anymore im not! fuck that bitch
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2006|10:37 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
I still need to get a few more things for Jes... considering I got an itchy trigger finger on the gift-giving... I couldn't wait. But she loves having her own mp3 player though!
Things with the girl have been good. I work the early shift and she works the late shift, but she comes home and we have dinner which is nice. Its something I look forward to at the end of the day.
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Straight, on the rocks, no chaser [Dec. 20th, 2006|10:31 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
Having Sunday through Tuesday off was nice. Got my shopping done, played some videogames, rearranged the living room.
The new TV is sweeeet... amg... now just for a new toy to play on it... Wii? Uh uh... PS3? a) too expensive b) too few systems c) too few good titles right now... so that leaves door number 3... 60 to be precise... moo hoo ha ha...

The final days are upon us... the last week before Christmas... all Weirdness has broken loose. Not being in school makes the holidays seem like just another day out of the year. It's funny. It's Hell Week in the store. Food drives, Holiday dinners, credit card fraud, cops and robbers oh my. Now everyone realizes after they picked up everyone their gifts that they still need to do something for Christmas dinner. It means more business for us but fucking hell must I work the am shift? Getting up on Tuesday at 6 for a meeting was totally bone. But morning shifts aside, for 3 days off in a row I can't complain too much.
Except when 7am rolls around and I have to rouse my undead ass out of bed and face the world.
The fake holiday atmosphere is draining... having to fake being happy is one thing (not that I'm not happy with my job but when you're tired being as chipper and happy as it takes to be a cashier sometimes is difficult) but faking holiday cheer is another.

At the end of the day it seems I lose it all. Spilled water on todays new comics, knocked over an ashtray... minor things but enough to make me grumble. The holidays are a drain on me.
At one point today at work, I couldn't take the Christmas muzak anymore... a techno version of jingle bells made me break out in chorus a la 2nd grade...

Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! Batmobile lost a wheel and Joker took ballet!

The baristo, Michael, who was working the coffee bar behind me just stared. I just replied as sarcastically as possible, "Just trying to get in the spirit of the holidays!"
to which he only retored, "I use bourbon..."
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Fear and Loathing on the Seattle tundra [Nov. 28th, 2006|11:36 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
[mood |coldcold]
[music |Family Guy on TV]

Mother of god it's fucking cold. It's 22 degrees outside and the expected low is 16 degrees. Seattle doesn't get weather this cold. I've never seen the city like this. It reminds me of the movie The Thing... where everyone is in the antartic, everything is cold and covered in ice. The city suffers in this weather. Last night trying to leave Southcenter was a brief lesson in futility. I got on a bus at 6:40, I didn't get home until 9. We didnt get far from the mall before it became like trying to ice skate uphill. Didn't work out so well.
Then some fucking ratbastard scumbag stole my Dickies coat. Right out from under my nose. I clocked on at 830 and by noon when I went on lunch, it was gone. I pray for their sake it was a case of mistaken coat identity cause if it was done on purpose, its their ass... here's hoping the prick is dumb enough to wear it around the store and get his happy klepto ass fire... I keep referring to whoever did this as a him because I doubt a female would steal a men's extra large coat.
Thankfully I've got the store on my side... and happily enough people are pissed and want to kick whoevers ass did this. That brings a great big smile to my face knowing my being pissed off is shared by my co-workers and store management.... mooo hooo haa haa.

Backtracking a bit to good news. I've been working for Whole Foods now for about a month, and last week they promoted me. Now I'm training supervisor, which means a buck and a quarter more to the paycheck.
The Christmas season is upon us. Living right at the heart of it all is quite scary when everything downtown explodes in a ho ho ho holy shit of "Christmas cheer" or rather to use the vanilla PC term 'Holiday Cheer'. Don't get me wrong I love the holidays, I just utterly fucking despise what a big marketing ploy it all becomes. When it's not even Halloween and I'm already hearing Christmas music and seeing Santa Claus clearly its gone too fucking far.
George Romero made Dawn of the Dead to criticize us for the consumer goods whores we are... and looking at recent footage of near riots of people flooding into malls, he had us pegged. We already are zombies... only difference is we're still alive... or are we? I suppose if you rationalized it long enough you might think that there really is no difference between us and them. We're just too ignorant to make the connection, thinking we're the higher animal on the food chain because we drive a Mazarati and use plastic to pay for our "life". I guess thats what we lose with no natural predators, with nothing to slap us upside the back of the head and make our own sense of Hubris aware to us, we grow too cocky, too sure of ourselves. Until something comes along and teaches us we're not such hot shit after all.

I need to get more ink, its been far too long since I got any. Harder to find time to do it. It's always the time/money issue. There's usually more of one than the other.

I about cried last week. I found out theres going to be one more book by Hunter Thompson released... as well as books by his wife, Ralph Steadman and a slew of others... that makes me happy as good novels have been hard to come by. Comic books however are flooding in. I usually pick up one or two comics a week but other times it's like six or seven on a really good week. Zombie comics are coming out all the time and I'm in undead heaven. At least one thing I'm into hasnt died out.

But speaking of dying out sleep beckons so I must wrap this up. Until next time. Peace, mahalo and remember, don't screw around with the fuckhead TRUST the fuckhead!
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2006|02:23 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
dear god
please help me. im so tired. i need my sleep, i really do. i need 8 hours a day and at least 10 at night and im good.
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Life rolls on... and on... [Jul. 8th, 2006|02:42 am]
Shadow Jerusalem
[mood |mellowmellow]

Its funny. I turned 23. I think back to a year ago.
Stuck in Ellensburg with no way out. Everything had fallen to shit piece by piece until the whole thing collapsed. MY girlfriend was a married woman living in Portland. I had no idea what to do about school. A few friends moved, one died, most graduated or bailed out.
End of the line.
That's what it felt like.
Now here I am. A year older, a few times died a few times reborn recreated and adapted.
Its like walking up one side of Everest then on the way back down looking back and going, "Holy fucking sheepshit, I just climbed that!!!"
Things are the best theyve ever been for the most part. But yknow every silver lining has some sort of a thundercloud. This is all just so uncharted territory. When the going gets Weird the Weird turn Pro as always... its just a matter of being able to take things in stride.
I see a lot of my guy friends settling down with their girlfriends. Theres various talks about marriage and the whole nine yards. We all seem to be more or less in the same chapter of the book... I always thought of myself as a bit of a late bloomer or something to that effect. But it seems to be what the general consensus is. For once its nice to be a part of a group.
It's been a month since weve moved into the apartment. Its soo nice to finally have better living accomodations. The kitty is awesome. Derek left for Peru for the summer so im cat sitting. Shes a nice little kitty, despite my allergies. She talks ALOT. But its ok, that cat and I have interesting conversations on occasion.
Easing back into some nice old habits too which is awesome. Bought a sic ass Godzilla model kit I cant wait to get my paws on. That and Im looking forward to gaming, even moreso if the assisstant takes in a few rounds.
The jobs been ok but I FUCKING HATE our manager. Brian. The corporate manager. Sanctimonious micromanaging demeaning giggling idiotically smirking fucker he is. Erg... makes me wish I had a bowel disruptor set to Prolapse I could use on him... oh well he'll be gone soon enough.
Remember buy the ticket take the ride.
Over and out for now, more tomorrow. Adieu.
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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2006|04:16 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
Howdy howdy howdy... been busy lately. Working alot. Trying to finish unpacking. Looking for time to squeeze in a little fun here and there. Turned 23 last Monday. For once I feel my age as an adult. Kinda nice. Not finding the time or the effort to write, not so nice. Trying to kick that in the ass though, now that I'm more settled Im hoping that will become less of a problem. Girls birthday is next Wednesday, so party time this weekend and next.
I'll write something a little more meaningful later on but for now I have stones to sell, fat to chew, and many different men to see about many different dogs, so for now I'm signing off.
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Peaceful Medicated Moment [Jun. 18th, 2006|12:27 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
[Current Location |UV]
[mood |happyfucking ecstatic]
[music |Massive Attack - Karma Coma]

I have found happiness
Happiness in a girl
Happiness in slavery
Happiness in contention with life
The pieces finally fit and fall together rather than apart
A brand new life to live with someone I love and means the world to me...
Zen. Blissful peace. Sweet oblivion. The outside world not a matter. Only that which is in front of me
She is amazing. Everything I could've ever asked for. She is everything I've ever wanted.
No more fear no more wondering why or how...
There just is.
The final signature in the last chapter is over. Its time to re-write and revise anew.
MY life.
It means so much to me now. IT's never had this much meaning to me. A man once said, "Hell is waking up every goddamn morning and not knowing why youre here, why youre breathing" not knowing ones purpose or place or calling in this weird computer program of a ride made to look like reality with bright lights and loud noises. Reality is all in what you make of it. And right now it makes out to be a fuckton. For once everything to gain, nothing to lose.
The lust for life got its Viagra prescription filled again...
Finally out of Hell, alive again and breathing. And loving every moment of it. Perfection in every moment. Every moment leading up to this moment. Every moment henceforth, sheer perfection.
The tick of the clock. Her breath on my skin. Our heartbeats racing out of line. Like a couple of kids... loving life... the way it should be. Happy and carefree.

And in this moment,
I truly am Happy.
I wish you all could be here with me right now.
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Writer's Block [Jun. 11th, 2006|12:32 pm]
Shadow Jerusalem
[Current Location |UV]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Craig Mack - Flava in your ear]

it is easier to destroy than it is to create

thats been part of my problem. not enough in me to actually create something... only felt the need to destroy... but that changes. ive changed enough, ive got everything i need in front of me all the tools the space the love of an amazing woman... just needed that spark to ignite... fucking finally. it's back. the block has been chipped away.
now i can finally get some fucking work done...
my poor creative mind... it's been so sapped... now i feel like i can do what ive been needing to do all this time. write.
my zombie story has turned into a festering corpse on its own... now its time to make like frankenstein and give this fucker some life.
the new place is fucking amazing. so much space... this place is home. like really home. not like typical apartment home but like our place. i'll be glad to get into a routine regain some order to the disarray. been sooo incredibly busy, im only just now getting a chance to sit down and enjoy the apartment. not just in the few waking hours between the time im off work and the time im back on which had felt like none at all... get off work, work on the apartment, sleep a few hours, get up go back to work, get off work, move some more, do more stuff and more stuff sleep go to work, repeat. just enough time to sleep shower shave and maybe get something to eat. but finally having time to take in the surroundings has been so nice. especially leaving and coming back home. the view of the skyline is beautiful from my desktop. right now i see the full moon rising out of the clouds. just i have to get used to the idea of people living above us... every thump from above makes me jump and wonder... if we bother them or if they can smell my pot... i really cant wait to just live in this place, get high in it, fall asleep on the couch, watch tv, do stuff... new place!!! finally...

at one point this story would've ended.
we were outwright rejected from this place. it ended right there. that was the end of the road. there was no way out... that was it... if we didnt get a place here i didnt know what else we would've done. now were here and in a BETTER place than what we first saw.

things ended before they could begin too... poor mixie... my poor baby girl. she didnt make the trip. my poor little leopard gecko... i loved her. it killed me when i realized she wasnt moving. she got to see the place once then she was gone. *sniff* *tears up* i didnt want to let that part of me go. sure i could live without the chair, but my Fucking gecko... no i wasnt. i buried her today. i let her go. god a part of me died with her. glen pointed out something that made me cry like a little girl, there was a heart shape on her snout. shes with dad and the rest of them. better her go peacefully then the cat get her. but still...
it was the end of one era in my life and the beginning of a new.

i work right across the street. thats so nice. so much more time to sleep. less travel time... but ergo less exercise hence i need to join a gym.
we get a kittie soon too. little ahnnie. a cute little black kitty who likes to talk. i truly will be shadow jerusalem... complete with cat and cute filthy assistant (in the most loving sense of the word). my little reality. i like it here. a life begins here and now. a job. a girl. a place. a pet.

this block. i cut my teeth on it. i teethed on the concrete. at first it didnt give. something had to give. come hell or high water i needed through. needed to see through to the other side. i made it. feel like i stared into the abyss, jumped in and swam in it for awhile now im out. out of that numb grey hell. feeling alive again. time to get busy living again.

but goddammit do i have to get up and make soup tomorrow morning? i mean shit seriously... 6:30am is for the fucking birds and the morning people... sure if I stayed up til 630 sure... but get up and work... bah... but its what foots the bills... til the writing pays off... lord knows this shit im writing now couldnt... or could it? anyone who thinks i could make money off this somehow give me a fucking clue here... PLEASE. ASPIRING WRITER NEEDS A CLUE!

ah well... as the good doctor always said... buy the ticket, take the ride... peace, sayonara, vaya con dios, mahalo... good night farewell and adieu.
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